And I, For One, Welcome Our New Vending Machine Overlords

The Growing Dystopia of Airport Retail

When you travel as much as we do, you tend to put your head down and get from point a to point b as soon as possible. This is particularly true in the airport, where even a slight hiccup in navigation can mean a missed restroom at best or a missed connection at worst.

Occasionally, though, we get a long connection. Usually the temptation during this time is to head to the lounge for complimentary well drinks, but earlier this week we decided to walk around O’Hare (ORD) to see what’s up.

And what’s up, you ask? Well, like everything in this world, the robots are taking over.¹

1. Vending Machines are out of Control

Airports have long had vending machines. Like all airport retail, it’s kind of a racket, both for the vending machine operator and the consumer. And, despite the one-sidedness of their transactions, they have long served a noble purpose, particularly after hours when you’re still waiting for a crew for your flight, and the nearby Auntie Anne’s shuttered a while ago.

However, my stroll revealed that Cheez-Its and Diet Coke have been usurped by Kylie Jenner cosmetics, LEGO sets and your favorite podcaster’s favorite supplement, AG1.² Yes, a $100 per month wellness supplement now has multiple vending locations at O’Hare.

They are replacing LEGO boxes so someone must be buying them, right?

Unless AG1 has some incredible data on the proclivity of connecting passengers to purchase nutrients and gut health support on the go, we have to think this is mostly marketing. (We never actually saw anyone using the machine.) Maybe they’re trying to get some halo effect from Farmer’s Fridge, which seemingly has a machine at every gate. There were plenty of people using those, and perhaps some of them will go eat their Cobb Salad in the privacy of a Regus hourly rental work pod.

2. “Regular” Retail is Just as Soulless

Let’s say you want to peruse the (few remaining) magazines and candy options at Hudson News or CIBO Express. Well, at this point, you might as well be using a vending machine. Nearly every retail location has multiple self-service terminals, or in the case of the Amazon-powered locations, none at all.³ Sure, there is usually an employee or two in the store, but they’re usually standing with their hands behind their back, bemused or bored or both. You’re never sure whether they would rather you use the self-checkout or actually engage them in an actual transaction.

I’m guessing that the light boxes that say “CHICAGO” everywhere may just be completely replaceable with another city, but who can be entirely sure?

We are not anti-progress at Al on the Airlines, but we’re also not not anti-progress. Walking into Hudson News is a reminder that every piece of the travel sector will look to eliminate “people costs” wherever they can. The margins are too tight, and the pressure is too strong. About the only redeeming factor is not having to look someone in the eye when you’re buying a $9 bag of Sour Patch kids — hypothetically, of course.

3. A Last Gasp for Zombie Brands

We thought we were hallucinating as we passed an OG Brooks Brothers location in Terminal 3. We were immediately taken back to an earlier era of paper boarding passes, Nokia phones, and IBM Thinkpads. It made us want to fire up Lotus Notes and load a PowerPoint presentation on a Zip drive.⁴

Like a mirage in the desert, there appeared smart blazers, striped ties, and sensible skirts.

Brooks Brothers’ time as a shopping mall juggernaut has come and (mostly) gone, but perhaps here at ORD people still do wear business casual and don’t wear joggers. In fact, we were tempted to pop in and buy some dress shirts or get in on a 3 for 2 polo shirt deal.⁵ Then we realized we would have to engage with an actual salesperson and that it’s 2026 and that we were out of AG1.

There are so many entrenched interests and impediments that make any changes to airport retail difficult and contribute to this unfortunate trajectory of experience. To be fair, a few airports have done better than others to create a more engaging and local-feeling environment. Still, the major airport retail management companies will continue to sell these changes with press releases that use terms like “reshaping the airport experience” and “journey is as exciting as the destination.”

If we really want to make the journey as exciting as the destination, then I can think of one travel retailer where that phrase rings true — a place where people actually want to stop, where the retail experience is part of the trip, and where they have brisket.

Maybe one of these airports (especially in the South) will get wise and put in a Buc-ee’s.

Notes

1. Soon to be followed by our “The Internet Ruined Everything” series

2. “Let he who has never used a podcaster’s promo code cast the first Helix Sleep Mattress”

3. Even an iconic Chicago location like “Nuts on Clark” now has a vending machine version of its airport popcorn stand — an AI version of Rick Bayless at Tortas Frontera can only be next

4. While we can wax poetic about Zip drives, there was nothing more terrifying that accidentally removing one of them too soon and losing everything

5. I still own a couple mall-purchased Brooks Brothers ties — doing nothing but aging myself in this post, wow